sometimes...
Sometimes all I want to do is run, to a place where I can forget that I'm a brother and a son, where I'm not an officer or a student, where I forget I'm a chairperson and a friend. Sometimes all I want to do is run, to a place where I am liberated from the curse of responsibility, and I live my life for me and only me.
Sometimes all I want to do is run, to a place where love has no meaning, where I can leave my loved ones behind and forget about the pain, where I do not bear the burden of anyone's pain but my own. Sometimes all I want to do is run, to a place where I do not need to worry about anything other than my own problems in my own time, where I do not have to care about what anyone else is going through.
Sometimes all I want to do is run, to a place where I have no heart and cannot feel compassion, where I have no brain and cannot think. Sometimes all I want to do is run, to a place where there are no dreams, there is no future, where a single moment stretches on forever.
Sometimes all I want to do is run, to a place where I can smile and believe in my smile, where a smile isn't just a mask I put on to hide the tears festering beneath, where I can laugh and forget of the torment I'm going through. Sometimes all I want to do is run, to a place where pain is only external, where my skin can bleed but my heart never can.
Sometimes all I want to do is run, to a place where garish nightmares of death and depression do not haunt me, where death does not take its time picking its victims. Sometimes all I want to do is run, to a place where worry does not exist, to a place where I can finally be free.
Sometimes... Sometimes... all I want to do is run...
But where do I go now?
Saturday, May 05, 2007
FARTED @ 6:01 AM
what should i do now?
Hmmm... how do I start this?
the new blockhead for my block just got elected. I might not be absolutely for the idea, but what the hell, the 2 of them will have my complete support. And today i just realised what a proud bastard I am. And how much I absolutely thrive to be in leadership positions. haha. But... as promised, i let the block decide and they decided it wasn't me.
The biggest regret since coming to uni was probably getting attached. But right up there with that was not getting into the block comm last year. Things may have been different just now if i was. And being head of SHAM radio, should i really consider that a regret? no, definitely not. In my dreams SHAM powers the hall. Everyone comes looking for me next sem cos SHAM is such a powerhouse, and everyone wants SHAM to help them with something or the other cos SHAM is so damn good. That's how I see SHAM, that's what i'll do for it.
Such dreams of grandeur I have.
Honestly, I wanted the post because I want to experience civilian leadership, and for my own reasons that I do not want to mention here. Military leadership i've tried and i've proven to myself. My ranking in OCS was 12th out of 80. The platoon I took charge of after I commissioned was best platoon from the 2 companies, totalling 8 platoons. And the worst thing about it was that I COULDN'T be there to receive the award. Fuck. My damn replacement got it, and he was a lump of shit who took over 2 weeks before they named the award.
Actually, havent I already experienced civilian leadership? House Captain, head of that fountain project (which the school allowed to go to waste), AB Camp instructor, Pre-U seminar presenter and controller of the defence line in the soccer team. But that was kids stuff, things adults would trust to kids once they feel the kids are worthy of trust.
Hmmm... I sound like a power-hungry tyrant. But am i? hard to tell really.
So... what am i going to do to satisfy my craving for power?
join the JCRC? :p
Friday, April 13, 2007
FARTED @ 2:33 AM
truths and lies
sometimes I wonder, how easy it is to lie. All i have to do is put on a straight face, look like i'm telling the truth, and the lie will pass. Then I wonder, why bother hiding the truth? Then I wonder again, why bother telling it? I've had enough lies told to me, maybe it's time i delved into my own world of lies. Yet i wonder, what would have come of it if the truth was told, and the lie hidden?
how many lies must i tell before you discover the truth in my lie?
Thursday, April 05, 2007
FARTED @ 7:45 AM
going... gone... going... gone
Oh man, I've come to the conclusion that I've been in engineering too long. The standard of the english I use is seriously dropping. Once upon a time I could write an essay without EVER stopping to think of which word to use. Nowadays, I gotta check the dictionary every now and then. Shit. I need to stop talking maths and re-migrate (is there even such a word? damn, told you my language prowess is dropping) into the mainstream language, ENGLISH.
I know my grades for A levels, a meagre C6, is hardly testimony to my command of the language. My fluency in English was something I used to be pretty proud of, and now it's failing me too. Soon I'll be just another bumbling fat idiot who cant speak nor write in a language most people can understand. DAMN. My literary powers are going... and I cant stop it.
On an unrelated note, I CANT DOWNLOAD PRISON BREAK AND HEROES ANYMORE!!! dammit! Where have my favaorite shows gone? I hate copyright laws.
On another completely unrelated note, hall events are kinda getting on my nerve at this point in time. I mean, exams are in... 4 weeks time? yet I still have to run around participating in hall stuff? Honestly, I cant wait for the day my comm closes so I don't have to keep getting calls from the other heads about things I dont wanna help them with. The meetings with my number 2, the other activities I have to go to, the politics, the bullshit. I just want to run away from it now. But... Do I really want a break from it all? Hard to tell really, I kinda like it. haha. I don't even know what the hell I'm saying. I love it but I want some time off? sounds like I'm in a relationship with what I do. haha. I guess you could say my love for hall is going somewhat? hmmm... not really true... Whatever, I think you get the point.
On yet another completely unrelated note, I'm starting to feel something for this girl, but I don't wanna do anything about it cos I'm afraid I might be on rebound, and I dont want to do that to her. Plus, she could turn out to be exactly like how my ex was to me, i.e. a bitch. I am damn scared of commitment now, it's like the only phobia I have. Ironic huh? You could strap me to the base of an aeroplane, lock me up in a dark haunted room and I wouldn't flinch one bit, but introduce me to someone I could grow to like and I'ld shy away. haha. pathetic. My faith in love is gone... and it's not coming back anytime soon.
Maybe it's not the what, it's the who
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
FARTED @ 5:31 AM
what i've been up to again...
ok, i've been MIA for a week or so, but this little post sums up what i've been doing. :)
1. i got tattoed last Friday! it's roughly the size of a A5 sheet, i'm lazy to upload the pics now but the thing was chronicled by two of my friends. If you so desperately wanna see what it looks like, you can check it out on my block blog, www.deeblockers.com.
2. I found out my ex got attached to ANOTHER guy. Glorious. Yet i still cant tell myself that I don't love her. dammit.
3. I acted as a corpse in Sheares Production 2007, Communicating Doors. All I had to do was lie down in a trolley and flash my leg over the side. Haha. But... it was not as easy as I thought because each time I shifted in th trolley I'ld have to grind my raw tattoo on the cold metal of the base. Damn freaking pain. Pretty fun interacting with the Production Team though.
4. Ok, this is the most interesting. I went for supper with some of my hallmates, and I met a friend there, who was having supper with her own group of friends. The first thing my friend said to me was, "Hey Dean!!! my friend here thinks you're CCCUUUUUTTTTEEEEE!!!!!!!!!". haha. interesting. BUT... it didn't stop there, later on msn my friend told me what her friend told her. It was something along the lines of, "I think he's so cute! If he was attached to me life would be perfect." ok... this is actually pretty scary. And it gets worse, my friend told me she lovingly calls me 'Lincoln', because I look like that character in Prison Break. PLUS, it didn't stop there. This girl apparently told a few other friends that she's WAY into me, and since then the other friends have been knocking on my door telling me there's someone out there is interested in me. haha. interesting place this world we live in is.
Anyway, I'm flattered and all but I'm not going to do anything about it, because i've lost my faith in love. And I'm not really ready for another relationship yet. I may not be an absolute goody two shoes, but i am not a man-slut who hops from girl to gril once I'm single. and sweetie, if you somehow read this, please use more subtle ways to get me interested in you. :)
5. SHAM radio started again, and as the head of the damn thing i'm freaking busy. put that together with schoolwork and projects I have practically ZERO time. I've been seeing my second in command almost every freaking day and HONESTLY i'm starting to get sick of seeing her for SHAM stuff. Oh yeah, speaking of which, we had to do this publicity thing for SHAM, and we employed the services of this designer in our hall, and honestly he's making me rethink my sexual orientation. His designs are SO DAMN GOOD i think i'm falling in love with him. Seriously people, his designs are freaking amazing. This made my second in command so jealous that she changed her MSN nick to "Mrs Sham Ditched. Dean's in love with pubs god. sigh." So, I'm officially gay now. haha.
Ok, that's crap, it's never going to happen.
And I found out the biggest problem with taking over Sham radio is not me, it's the person who i'm taking over from. I mean, not that i want to be a bitch, but it's true. Ok, he really has put in alot of effort into SHAM and built it up somewhat, but now that I've learned of the things he has done, I've come to realize that this guy is a master of stupid decisions. I think it's his forte or something. Those of you who know who i'm talking about will know i'm not wrong in saying what i say.
Anyway, basically it's up to me and my darling wife Mrs Sham to bring the thing up again (maybe with the help of the publicity God to cater to my gay side) and erase the mistakes of the past. But this radio thing is a good idea so i'm gonna make sure I see it through.
And to my avid fans of www.adventuresofboringman.blogspot.com, I have to apologize, I havent really had the time to write. I promise I'll put up at least 2 more episodes next week when I'm more free and not running my ass ragged. Thank you all for being fans anyway. :)
Basically, that's what's been happening. With taking over SHAM it's kinda like being commissioned, where a sudden duty and responsibility is thrown into my face. But the difference here is that I dont have a rank. Here, my minions are only OBLIGED to do what I ask of them and not REQUIRED to. If I could run the thing like how I run my platoon, efficiency is almost guaranteed. But I cant do it that way can i?
Nope.. Mrs Sham would kill me.
The Commander fears nothing but his wife.
- army quote
Friday, March 16, 2007
FARTED @ 6:44 AM
Sheares movie marathon!!!
Yesterday i went for the sheares movie marathon that stretched from 10pm to 8am. 10 hours of sitting on my ass on the hard floor of the MPSH was enough to make my butt go numb, but it was well worth it. I skipped the first four hours to discuss SHAM with Caroline then to have some booze and fags on the rooftop with others, but i managed to catch the last 3 shows; the prestige, the exorcism of emily rose, and sex is zero.
The prestige was alright, but it made magic seem so simple to the point that it was ridiculous. And considering the fact that i have a brother who performs magic for kicks, i know it's not easy.
The exorcism of emily rose was great though, pretty interesting considering the fac that it's based on a true story. But nowhere near as scary as the original EXORCIST, which rocked.
Sex is zero was pretty cool too, probably the horniest show i've seen in a long time. Even though most of the sex scenes had absolutely nothing to do with the story of the show, the girls in the show were hot so no one was complaining. haha. and... the content of the show is something i can identify with pretty well. Basically what the show was about this guy who took this girl for a fling when the girl already had a guy who loved her like crazy. and yeah... the main line of the show was 'love is not a game'. sounds so familiar to me.
anyway, the sheares movie marathon ROCKED. :) cant wait for the next one next year!
Saturday, March 03, 2007
FARTED @ 6:28 PM
UGH....
today was a hell long day at school woke up at 9 for class all the way till 12, then lunch, lab from 2-5 and now... HOMEWORK... dammit...
and... it gets worse. Next week i have one term test, one term paper to submit (good thing it's 90% complete), one lab report to submit, 2 labs, and 3 assignments. Plus... i gotta co-ordinate stuff for SHAM, Sheares Production coming up, got a match to play on sun, and other miscellaneous hall stuff all over the place. I want free time!!! good thing i'm single now or i'ld be driving myself mad by now. :)
The only solace i can take in my busy schedule is that i'm gonna get my tattoo by the end of next week! whooo hoo!!!
However... there is a problem... i've come to realize those little entwined serpents on my back is gonna cost me quite abit... around $200-300. And considering the $7500 i have in 'liquidated funds' that are is yet to be returned to me, i'm pretty broke now. Damn... maybe i should shrink my tattoo to the size of a fingernail...
And yesterday, i looked at myself in the mirror and i saw something i havent seen for a few years. a VEIN was popping out of my bicep!!! now i've got the muscle underneath, i gotta get rid of the layers of fat above... dammit... 6 pack here i come!!!
and i don't mean beer
Thursday, March 01, 2007
FARTED @ 5:06 PM
