what i've been up to
ok, to all of you avid readers of my blog, i apologize for the long gap in between blog entries. Anyway, that long gap is caused by... mugging mugging and more mugging. whoo hoo. and... another thing i've been doing is making an audio webcast, which was actually REAL fun to do. our main job in describing everthing that's going on: talk crap about it. haha. it was really damn fun, and the final product is quite cool too. I kinda felt like glenn ong and rod montero making a show cos its just me and my buddy crapping about everything. go check it out if you can spare the time! The main target audience would be residents of sheares hall (of course) but any1 else can tune in as well. :) my shows called "animal farm". you'll understand why when you listen to it.
click
Saturday, September 30, 2006
FARTED @ 12:13 PM
Damn low...
I havent seen baby in 5 days and i'm going crazy. yes, call me a soppy piece of shit. I miss her voice, i miss her laughter, i miss her smile, i miss her whining that i'm too fat, i miss her. :( i'm feeling damn damn damn damn damn damn damn low now. Not even marijuana's gonna work. i need that other drug, the one that comes from inside, the called love. baby, PLEASE call me. i miss you. :(
Thursday, September 21, 2006
FARTED @ 8:37 PM
Pass over the Maryjane
I feel groggy, my head is throbbing, i feel like puking, my eyes are watery. and the worst thing is... i'm not drunk...
here's the shit that got flung in my direction today in school (just 3 hours but enough dung to last a lifetime):
1. i went for one of my tutorials and that fat alien tutor (the darker kind of alien) didnt come.
2. In my lecture, the prof announced that the module that we all previously thought was open-book actually isnt. That means... extra memory work, no examples during the exam, no life for the remaining two months till the exams. and... he gave out a classic quote, one that definitely cheered all the students up, "don't worry! there's alot to study!". wow... thanks prof, that really made my day. Now i'm so happy because i've got alot to study. yaay.
3. In my other tutorial, i couldnt understand what the hell my other alien tutor (from the motherland) was talking about. It wasn't just because of his alien lingo that most of us cant understand anyway, it was his alien language combined with the engineer's language that dumfounded me. for your info, engineers are so high class they dont speak in Engliish, they speak in a different kind of language called MATHEMATICS. Apparently, i'm better suited to speaking English.
I'm feeling damn stressed now. Help! I doubt nicotine would be enough to do the job. I think i need something stronger. Glue? Too Cheap. Cannabis? Too raw. Heroin? WAY too expensive. no... i think i'll settle for marijuana. Somebody pass over the Maryjane.
Dont be afraid of your exams, the worst that can happen is that it'll ruin your life.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
FARTED @ 8:50 PM
Graciousness...
Graciousness is...
- giving up your seat to those who need them more than you do.
- NOT booking a seat at the food court with tissue paper or other forms of trash like so many of the working class ppl do.
- HIDING your BUTTCRACK if you are REALLLLLY fat and ugly...
Me and some of my pals were at Fish and Co (Bugis Jxn) the other day when my friend looked over his left shoulder then immediately began to douse his eyes with pepper. As i watched him wriggling in pain i noticed something weird about him, he wasn't crying, he was laughing, with sheer glee and relief. It was scary to see a dear friend of mine smiling as his eyes burned. I sat there wondering what could have caused a person to inflict such pain on himself. I was amazed to find that he thought the pepper in his eyes wasn't nearly as painful as the pain that was previously dealt to him by that as yet unseen entity. Gathering up all my courage, i faced my fears... and turned my head...
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! I immediately understood why my friend decided to marinate his eyes. I couldnt help it... my hands flew to my eyes and i began to gouge them out. I had to do something to alleviate the visual agony that had befallen me. It was a cosmetic disaster, a nightmare i will never wake from, a strike to the very soul.
BUTTCRACK!!!
One of my friends, biting his lip to stop the pain to his eyes...My other friends heard my cry of warning and dived beneath the tables, the waiters and waitresses scrambled for cover, the blind man in the corner smiled for the first time since that fateful accident that denied him his sight at the fact that his ailment spared him this pain. The weak hearted passed out, the entire place was thrown into chaos.
I call out to every man, woman and child of the world who has a buttcrack (yes, that includes you who thinks you are sexy and hot, in fact it includes EVERYONE 'cept my baby cos everyone else isn't sexy enough). HIDE YOUR BUTTCRACK. If the IMF doesnt come back to Singapore ever again it wont be becuase of the inflexibility that the Singapore government has on the matter of protests here (which i agree with by the way), but because of the abundance of buttcracks found here.
Buttcracks... God's secret weapon to every human being, the most dangerous part of the human body, a lethal weapon whose abilities lay undiscovered. In my bid to make Singapore a safer place, i implore all service and retail joints to arm their staff with duct tape (or you could just get the BUTTCRACK AVENGER), as a tool that might help in the war agianst buttcracks. If ever a customer walks in with his/her buttcrack showing, the staff would be trained to react, to subdue the obnoxious sight by taping it up with the buttcrack avenger before that weapon could deal its fatal blow on the public. This calls for great courage and dedication on the part of the service staff, but... it would be for the sake of everyone else who lies in close proximity to that weapon of Mass destruction. For example:
and... to all those who insist on flashing buttcracks, please, i implore of you, spare us the pain. Help Singapore become a truly gracious society.
Some secrets are best kept hidden,
Some nightmares will never go away.
Some hurts will never be forgotten,
That horror in my mind forever will stay.
Monday, September 18, 2006
FARTED @ 2:06 PM
the end of the tubby tank...
Everone knows i'm so fat that if i slapped my belly the ripple effect would be equivalent to that of a tsunami. I had to perform an op on my bed to expend its width to accommadate my sizable girth. Everytime i sit down on a stone bench i see the center of the bench begin to bend. I'm starting to have problems fitting into my size 72 pants too. Damn...
But... today marks the end of the tubby tank. I just got back from a 5 click run and did 50 pushups and 200 crunches. From THIS DAY FORTH, i pledge i will run every night, lift weights every other night, and take a break on the remaining night (i know this sounds like a contradiction, that's because it is). No more posing as the michelin man, no more getting mistaken for a sumo wrestler, no more getting stuck in doorways.
The ultimate objective? To look like a gay (but not be one). I wanna make all the gays in the world shiver when i walk by only to get their hearts broken when they find me holding baby's hand.
Feel the Fat for the Last time
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
FARTED @ 1:38 AM
third world economy...
How much does it take to power a third world economy? I was honestly quite surprised that there is a community within Singapore that actually does earn enough in a day to power a third world economy for 5 years: Newton Circus. Not that i'm exaggerating here, but the amount of profit Newton Circus generated by all the hawkers there could actually power a third world economy. The prices there are RIDICULOUS. Take my own order for example. I ordered a mutton chop and the hawker told me it would cost $6. I thought to myself that for that price i'ld be getting a whole goat, or at least half a goat, then garnished with caviar and abalone and sharks fin and maybe some escargot. What ended up on the disposable plate in front of me was the meat off the knuckles of the goat, garnished with one lump of mashed tomato and about 20 french fries. The plate was so small an ant would fall off if it tried to stand on the plate. Amazing... i didnt know Singaporeans would rip off other fellow Singaporeans so blatantly.
Another example of their mind boggling ability to overcharge; Baby's coach ordered a bowl of iced jelly. Allow me to break down the cost of a bowl of ice jelly for the purpose of discussion here.
the main component, ice : 2 cents
2nd ingredient, almond jelly : 20 cents (thats already giving ALOT extra)
3rd ingredient, longans: 5 cents
4th ingredient, sugar solution: 2 cents
disposable bowl: 1 cent
total cost price (not including cash they save on economies of scale) : 30 cents
price of 1 bowl of iced jelly at newton circus : $2.50!!!!
holy SHIT! that's almost a 1000% profit! And its not as if the dessert was very aesthetically pleasing either. For $2.50 you'ld expect your ice to come shaped like the eiffel tower, balanced on delicately cut pieces of almond jelly with a longan at the peak right? but.. This bowl of almond jelly looked exactly like any other bowl of almond jelly. RIP OFF...
And for the exorbitant prices they charge, the least they could do was to balance out the extra hole in the customers wallet by selling food that was actually tasty. The soup of the prawn mee baby had vaguely reminded me of the puke i was served at this Japanese restaurant in Clementi. The chicken wings i cook myself at barbecues have more meat and flavour then the chopsticks posing as chicken wings in newton.
BUT... i must say that there ARE actually SOME stalls in Newton that actually do serve quality products. Like the Orh Lua (oyster omellete), or the seafood (that i couldnt afford), or the higly recommended popiah (that i didnt get to try cos it was closed by the time i got there). The true Newtonians (i'm not talking aboutSir Isaac Newton's theories here) take the effort to lay quality food before their customers hungry mouths.
Tubby's advice: If ever you decide to go to Newton Circus, CHOOSE YOUR FOOD CAREFULLY. 90% of the stalls there are just riding on the success of the other stalls, and thrive on the customers belief that he/she would get quality food from Newton Circus. Do NOT fall for this. do your research, get the recommendations, then go there, enjoy the food, then spit at the other stalls for trying to rip you off before you leave.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
FARTED @ 3:01 AM
my loves and hates.
ok, this goes out to those of you who read my blog but dont know me too well. (especially those in blk D). :)
-i love it when the first voice i hear in the morning is that of my baby.
-i hate it when the first voice i hear in the morning is that of my lecturer that sounds like a toad being squeezed to death.
-i'ld love it if i woke up to the sight of a hearty breakfast laid before me.
-i'ld hate it if i woke up to the sight of a "recycled" hearty breakfast laid before me.
-i'ld love it if someone served me food with politeness.
-i'ld hate it if someone threw the food onto my plate.
-i'ld love it if you asked nicely for help.
-i'ld hate it if you ordered me around like a dog on a leash.
-i'ld love it if you got so drunk you puked and passed out. I'ld be laughing at that memory for the rest of my life.
-i'ld hate it if you got so drunk you puked and passed out... and couldnt pay the bill. You'ld be laughing at that memory the rest of your life.
-i'ld love it if my lecturer ran head first into the cupboard.
-i'ld hate it if my lecturer ran head first into the cupboard... only to emerge with a new textbook for us to study.
-i'ld love it if you praised me for what i did right.
-i'ld hate it if you called me stupid and insulted me for something i didnt do wrong, even if you were joking.
-i'ld love it if you bought me a bottle of whisky.
-i'ld hate it if you bought me a bottle of whisky... but filled it with piss.
-i'ld love it if engineering fac was burned to the ground.
-i'ld hate if if engineering fac was burned to the ground, and my profs were left out of the inferno.
-i'ld love it if the lecturer who decided on this 3 hour marathon lecture stops now.
-i'ld hate it if the lecturer who decided on this 3 hour marathon lecture stops now, only to declare a 5 hour make up marathon next week.
that's all... this 3 hour marathon lect is reallly killing me...
Friday, September 08, 2006
FARTED @ 3:33 PM
explanations...
As i was taking a shower just now i was engaged in a very interesting conversation with one of my fellow blockmates (who was taking a dump). Amidst the nerve-wrecking sounds of his barrage on the bowl, he screamed out this question:"WHY THE HELL DID YOU SHAVE YOUR HEAD?!?!?!?" Completely shell-shocked by the bombardment and pinned down by the fear that he would turn his cannonade on me, i decided to provide him with an explanation. Trembling with the memory of his rectal blitzkrieg, i sit at my computer now typing this out.
1. it saves me money. I use about the same amout of shampoo now as i do toothpaste. I probably need about one bottle of shampoo to last me 6 months. AND... i cut my own hair, at home, so i dont have to fret over the money i put into the barber's hands.
2. It saves time. i dont have to stand in front of the mirror picking and picking at my hair and getting it into shape, cos the only way my hair COULD get out of shape is if a lorry runs over my head, and if that happens i wont be standing in front of the mirror anyway.
3. I'm streamlined. by shaving my head, if i volunteer as a human canonball, i would fly faster because of the reduced resistance caused by my lack of hair. This is the same reason why swimmers always wear a separate pair of swimming trunks on their heads: to reduce resistance.
4. I'm planning for the future. Looking at my family line, my dad is bald, 3 of my 4 uncles are bald. So... being bald now would only reduce the shock when i shed my own hair in the future. And balding is hereditary.
5. Its safer. I dont have to worry about tripping over my hair when i walk. nor do i have to worry about getting my hair burned in the jet exhaust during takeoff. or getting caught in the rotors of a chopper.
6. I dont need to get a toilet brush. My head now serves this purpose nicely.
After being provided with all these reasons as to why you should shave your head, i'm sure you are thinking, why don't i shave my own head too? yes, please do, join the legion of the bald. As Martin Luther King said, " I HAVE A DREAM, that black people, and white people, can sit side by side and bask in the baldness of the others head".
To the above mentioned deeblocker, please keep your artillery aimed away from me.
the bellows of your bowels echo in eternity...
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
FARTED @ 4:45 PM
could somebody spare me some oil?
Look at what mugging has done to me....
i know my shirt says "i survived the night", but that is just something i wear to give myself strength (actually its from the Blacks Midnite 7s)
I was mugging just now when i discovered that i HATE STUDYING. there's a burning urge inside me to set my books on fire. And maybe while i'm at it throw in a few of my profs into the flames and watch them wriggle and writhe and scream like strangled toads (as i've mentioned before, one of them already talks like a strangled toad). wow... that would be a fantasy come true. Then while all my books are burning i pop a marshmallow on a stick and roast it over the flames of knowledge, and dance to the symphony of my profs screams. I know all of you are thinking, OMG THIS GUY IS A SADIST!!! but... before you say that, take out your own books, go online and look up pics of your own profs. what do you wanna do? I'm just putting into words what you dont wanna say. is there anyone out there who TRULY enjoys sitting in front of books all day long?
Actually... i take back my last line. Everynight whatever the time is when i look out my window i see this girl studying. It's as if she doesnt need to eat or sleep as long as she can get her books. probably if i ask her whats 2+2 she'll come up with logarithmic algebraic equations when she presents her answer. and it looks like engineering is stuffed with her brethren (yes, she IS one of the leaders of the invasion).
Anyway, back to what i was saying at the start. I am planning to do exactly what i have mentioned above in the weeks after i graduate. (ok, i'll try not to include my profs or i'll be charged with murder) BURNING BOOKS. What better sight is there than that? an inferno of algebra and probability and mechanics. burn books BURN!!!! then cooking a burger over the flames. whoo... shiok.
speaking of burgers... i'm hungry...
FARTED @ 12:51 AM
Singapore's diversity...
Ok, everyone knows Singapore is a MEGA diverse place with all kinds of fashion sense/races/looks/etc. In my bid to help the poor forlorn tourist understand Singapore (and Singaporeans) better, i decided tto come up with a list of the different kinds of people in Singapore. To all tourists out there, read this if you wanan know what Singapore is about. but... then again... what are the chances that a random tourist would visit my blog on a random chance? close to zero... but this is for the tourists anyway. :)
The 1st GenerationDefining Characteristics-Generally aged between 50 and 50,5000.
-Reeks with selfishness and inconsideration. Some literally run onto buses or trains and dive onto seats ahead of people who might need them more than they do, and later right in to the Straits Times Forum page to complain about the 'selfishness' of the younger generation.
Life Motto- you dont matter
fave hangout-consistently seen squatting on the seats of hawker centers with their slippers at their feet
- anywhere there is a queue
tips in dealing with their kindignorance is bliss...
The SlutDefining Characteristics-NORMALLY aged between 18-30 but there are a few special cases that are younger or older.
-typically dressed in 3cm long skirts and 3cm long tube tops, exposing as much thong or nipple as legally allowed.
Life Motto-to sleep with that guy whose hand I am NOT holding
-Leave nothing to imagination
fave hangout-Orchard Road
tips in dealing with their kind-STAY AWAY, if you just wanna look, look at them from far.
The PoserDefining Characteristics- aged between 15-25
- typically dressed in baggy pants (with one side rolled up) and baggy shirts, for guys, and tubes, for girls.
- Hair cannot be black. Normally hair is ash brown or copper but some have green or purple or blue hair.
- SOMETIMES they carry skateboards
Life Motto- I must act cool even if I'm not.
Fave hangouts-Orchard Road
tips in dealing with their kind-tell them that a really cool person would stand in the middle of the runway during a plane takeoff. As long as they think it's cool, they'ld do it.
The Happy ManDefining Characteristics-any age past puberty
-normally bulging with muscles and dressed in TIGHT tees and tight jeans
-sometimes exposes his pink thong, especially to other happy men.
Life Motto-To get other men to look my way.
Fave Hangouts-California Fitness gyms all over the island.
-Swimming pools (where they can see other topless happy men slick with water)
tips in dealing with their kind- throw a cockroach in his direction
The GuitaristDefining Characteristics-Aged between 5-40(normally they grow up after 40)
-Dressed in jeans so tight ants caught in between the jeans and the leg would suffocate. Some wear WIDE framed plastic spectacles or goggles.. Some also wear trucker caps that dont fit and point in any direction, as long as its not straight forward.
-guys MUST be skinny, girls MUST be fat.
-Must make alot of noise(e.g. playing the guitar on the train and acting all rowdy).
-Normally hang out with other guitarists, and at least one member of the group MUST have a skateboard.
Life Motto-I must attract aas much attention to myself as possible
-I must try my best to get into ITE.
Fave Hangouts-YouthPark@Somerset
-The underpass linking Esplanade to Citilink.
tips in dealing with their kind-Ask them what's 145+183. They'll be baffled by the fact that you used 3 digits at the same time.
The Potential GeniusDefining Characteristics-aged between 7 to 70
-Normally skinny and pale.
-typically dressed with jeans pulled up to the nipples and secured by a belt, polo tee tucked into the underpants, new balance trainers or cheap leather moccassins to adorn the feet and a backpack pulled tight over the shoulders.
Life Motto-Hide from the Light
-Books are the essence of Life
Fave Hangout-PC cluster Engineering Faculty NUS
-Libraries
tips in dealing with their kind-just throw them a book
The Sports Superstar Defining Characteristics-always dressed in bright colours of their favaourite sports (e.g. BIG lakers jersey and shorts and AND1 shoes or Man U/Arsenal jersey and the latest Adidas Street Soccer boots or NZ All Blacks jersey)
-has a belly so big his profile is larger than his front view.
Life Motto-I can play my sport better than you can
Fave hangouts-the benches around basketball courts/soccer/rugby pitches
how to deal with their kind-challenge them to a game of their "favaorite sport"
The AlienDefining Characteristics-cannot speak Singlish, speaks English with a weird accent
-bad fashion sense
-Hardly ever seen without other aliens around
Life Motto-I must bring more of my brethren over to conquer this tiny island
Fave Hangouts-Engineering Faculty NUS
tips in dealing with their kind-you're powerless to stop the invasion
The HOOOOOT babeDefining Characteristics-SOOOO hot guys go numb around her
-plays rugby
-Loves animals
Life Motto-i must bite off part of my boyfriends arm
Fave Hangouts-NUS
-Home
tips in dealing with her kind-for the guys, Dont get too close, or you'll find a fat indian foot in your face.
-for the girls its ok. :)
wanna find out who she is? scroll down...
too bad guys, she's MINE!!!! :)
Monday, September 04, 2006
FARTED @ 1:21 AM
I got a new HANDPHONE!!!!
in case you didnt realise it yet, I JUST GOT A NEW PHONE!!! Its the Samsung Z540, and its DAMN NICE!!!! haha. plus, this time i have a DAMN WARRANTY!!!! my prv phone i got from a friend then when it spiled i couldnt fix it cos i didnt have a warranty. KNS!!! NEVER EVER buy a phone if you dont get a warranty for it. MY PHONE ROCKS!!! actually its a copy of the Motorola V3 that actually works (cos the V3 doesnt). Initially i wanted to buy a V3X but the V3X is SOOO fat and ugly i decided to settle for this copy that works better. :) cant show you the pic cos my cam is down, but go check it out on the Samsung webby if you want. :)
Sunday, September 03, 2006
FARTED @ 11:11 PM
